We Don't Have to Wait Until Things Go Pear-Shaped
My dog Georgie has been barking a lot since I moved into my townhouse.
Some days it feels as though the whole world walks past our front window with its parade of dogs. Other days, a leaf blows by and apparently it's game on.
For a while, I was focused on the obvious problem: the barking. How do I stop it? How do I redirect her? What else can I do to help her settle?
Then I started paying more attention to what was happening before the barking.
Georgie could see everything outside. Every dog, every person and every unexpected movement became something to monitor. Sometimes she would hear a noise, look outside, locate the apparent offender and continue barking until it had safely left the neighbourhood.
She had essentially appointed herself to a full-time neighbourhood surveillance position.
Once I zoomed out, something became much clearer. The barking was the part that was frustrating the pants off me, but it wasn't necessarily the most useful place to begin.
Her environment was asking an enormous amount of her.
Sometimes the behaviour isn't the best place to start
I decided to change the environment.
I added screens to the front windows, but what those screens actually did was subtract something: much of the visual information Georgie had been continually monitoring.
Every passing dog, person, bicycle or suspicious leaf no longer required her attention. She could still hear what was happening outside, and occasionally something would still trigger a reaction, but there was far less information for her to lock onto.
The barking reduced considerably. But the thing I found even more interesting was that she began resting more.
I hadn't simply found a way to interrupt a behaviour. I had reduced some of the load that had been contributing to it.
Of course, people are considerably more complex than dogs, and I am not suggesting that human behaviour can be explained through a story about my cavoodle cross. What Georgie gave me was a very simple example of something I have observed repeatedly in my work and my own life: when something is going pear-shaped, our attention is often drawn towards the most visible part of the problem.
Sometimes it helps to look at the conditions surrounding it as well.
What might be sitting underneath?
At WiseLearn, I explore a number of everyday needs that can influence our capacity to regulate, engage, connect, learn and respond to what is happening around us.
Some of these needs are physiological. Some are relational. Others are creative.
I don't think of them as a checklist that needs to be perfectly completed every day. Nor do I think meeting them means that nobody will ever become overwhelmed, frustrated, tired or reactive.
I think of them as places to look.
When something feels harder than it needs to be, we can become curious about what a person is already carrying and what their brain and body are being asked to manage. Is something important missing? Is there too much of something? Does something need to be added, reduced or modified? Is there a need that has quietly slipped out of view because all our attention has gone towards the behaviour we can see?
This is where understanding needs becomes useful. It gives us more places to look than simply asking, How do I stop this?
Needs can help neutralise load
I sometimes think of these needs as neutralisers.
Not because they somehow neutralise everything difficult in our lives. They don't. We live in the real world. Children have difficult days. Adults have difficult days. Unexpected things happen, relationships become complicated, environments are imperfect and sometimes there is simply more being asked of us than we have capacity for at that particular moment.
Meeting our needs isn't about creating a perfectly calm life.
It is about recognising that there are things that can support our systems and things that can add to their load.
Sometimes that means adding something supportive. Sometimes it means modifying something that is already happening. Sometimes it means subtracting something that is creating unnecessary demand. As Georgie's screens demonstrated rather neatly, one action can even do several of those things at once: I added something to the environment in order to subtract some of the load.
The important question isn't simply, What strategy can I add? It is more often: What might be needed here, and what might be getting in the way?
We move through different gears
Needs are only one part of the picture.
We also don't move through our days in one constant state. Our energy, attention, emotions and capacity shift according to what we are doing and what is happening around us.
I find it useful to think about this in terms of gears.
There are times when slowing and stillness can support us. There are times when our bodies need movement. There are also times when the right kind of engagement can draw us into something absorbing, enjoyable or creative.
None of those states is inherently better than another. The goal isn't to keep ourselves or children in one supposedly ideal state all day. Human beings aren't designed to operate like that.
What becomes useful is gradually getting better at noticing where we are, what a particular moment is asking of us and what might help us shift when the gear we're in isn't working particularly well for what comes next.
Adults can develop this awareness, and even young children can begin learning it in simple, age-appropriate ways. They can start noticing what their bodies are telling them, when something feels like too much, when they need to move, when they need some space or connection, and what seems to help them feel more ready for what comes next.
We don't need children to know neuroscience terminology to begin developing awareness of themselves.
We don't have to wait for things to fall apart
Perhaps the most important part of understanding needs and gears is that we don't only have to think about them once somebody is already struggling.
We can frontload support.
If I know a child finds a particular transition difficult, I can think about what might support that transition before it happens. If movement consistently helps someone become more available for a period of concentration, it can be built into the rhythm of the day rather than saved as a rescue strategy once they can no longer sit still. If an environment regularly becomes overwhelming because of noise or visual input, we can consider whether some of that load can be reduced before it becomes too much.
If connection matters, we don't have to wait until a relationship is strained to invest in it. If creativity, play or meaningful engagement helps someone feel more like themselves, those things don't have to be treated as optional extras that appear only when everything else has been completed.
This isn't about engineering a life in which nobody ever struggles. Nor is it about removing every challenge from children's lives.
Challenges matter. Children need opportunities to experience frustration, solve problems, develop skills, adapt, recover and discover that they can do difficult things. Adults need those opportunities too.
But there is a difference between encountering a useful challenge and continually using our resources to cope with load that doesn't actually need to be there.
Regulation isn't only something we do afterwards
We often talk about regulation once somebody is already dysregulated.
What strategy can we use? How can we help them calm down? What should they do differently next time?
Those questions have a place, but if regulation only enters the conversation once everything has gone pear-shaped, we are missing a large part of the picture.
We can also become more aware of the everyday conditions that support us. We can notice patterns in ourselves and the people around us. We can help children gradually learn to notice their own. We can think about the different gears we move through and become curious about what helps us shift between them.
Sometimes we will notice that something needs to be added. Sometimes something already there needs to be modified. Sometimes we may realise that something is working well and should simply be kept. And sometimes the most useful thing we can do is subtract an unnecessary source of load.
We won't always get it right. Sometimes we won't notice until afterwards, and sometimes everything will go pear-shaped despite all the things we have thoughtfully put in place.
That's part of living in the real world.
The aim isn't perfect regulation. It is greater awareness of the things that influence us, and more choice about what we might explore when something isn't working.
Georgie still barks.
But she also spends considerably less time conducting neighbourhood surveillance and considerably more time asleep. I'll take that as progress.
Explore these ideas with WiseLearn
Understanding our needs and recognising what influences our state can give us more choices about what we might try next. WiseLearn experiences explore these ideas in practical, accessible ways for both adults and children.
For adults
WiseLearn Adult workshops explore the brain, body, everyday needs and the things that influence how we respond — creating space to understand, notice, reflect and consider what might support us in everyday life.
For children
WiseLearn Kids uses playful, age-appropriate experiences to help children begin noticing their bodies, needs and different states, while exploring practical ways to move, pause, connect, create and discover what helps them.
About Nicole Nolan
Nicole is an educator, consultant and founder of WiseLearn Education, with almost 30 years' experience across early childhood, primary and secondary education. Her work brings together education, psychology, social and emotional learning, neuroscience and neuroplasticity to explore practical ways we can support learning, wellbeing and everyday life.
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